The post that will simultaneously mortify my mother & (hopefully) make her proud...

Here is a fact you may not know...my mom used to sew a LOT of my clothes...AWESOME!!! At least that's what my friends always said...I told them I'd trade my handmade clothes for their guess jeans anytime!! Don't judge...I just wanted to be like everyone else...I am realizing in this moment this was just a precursor to the conclusion I am NOT like everyone else...it took me a long time to embrace this...okay, I'm still learning to embrace this...

(Sidebar: took hubby to a Civil War re-enactment this past weekend...Ms. P wanted to dress up...when she was bemoaning the fact I had not provided appropriate attire, hubby looked at me and said, aren't those the kind of clothes you used to wear?? Yeah...as you can see to the left , they were (I'm the little girl on the left)...thanks for reminding me...)

So, my point in this entirely too long intro is, my mom is fabulous at a sewing machine...how she has the patience, I'm not entirely sure. I get a lot from my mom: my voice, my hair, my creativity, the subsequent closet full of crafts I'll never complete...however, I do NOT have the patience to sew a couple days for one dress...however, at some point in my adult life, she bought me a sewing machine. I tried to sew a dress for Ms. P before she was ever born...I did her the huge favor of never making her wear it...I did manage to sew a matching bag which she still loves but I've never done anything very noteworthy...

I did start trying to refashion clothing...I often want something fairly specific and am unable to find it, or find it at a reasonable price...so I've realized, I need to start making what it is I want!! I do about one piece a year...some are in rotation, some are better off in the Goodwill pile...however, have I mentioned my OBSESSION with Pinterest?!  I constantly see adorable, unique clothing I LOVE and cannot justify spending absurd amounts of money on Etsy when I can just do it myself. I don't take the time to do much so my virtual board fills up with more ideas I will never complete...

SCAR shirt pre-refashion

If you have ever read my blog, I am fairly certain you are familiar with the fact I am involved with the SCAR project...well, the SCAR project is traveling to DC this fall and, in an effort to promote the exhibition, tshirts were made...personally, not a big fan of tshirts. I wear them for the kids' sports, since we are the family that shows up with tshirts to support our little athletes...and to work out. I wasn't sure what I would do with it but I knew I would want to wear it...and I knew I would not wear it often if it stayed in its present form.

So, I decided I was going to refashion my SCAR tshirt...of course, I went to Pinterest to start getting inspiration for what I wanted to do. I just searched "refashion" - it didn't matter to me what someone refashioned, I just needed to see all the options and ideas...

tshirt after being cut

One photo grabbed me...someone had taken a shirt from their closet that they wanted to model after...uh, duh...so I went through MY closet...what features of different shirts do I like?? I had about three...I had already hit up JoAnn's for some double fold bias tape and a trim that would become my sleeve...I laid it down for the photo...and then started cutting...that was the scariest part!!

As you can see, I cut off the sleeves and the neck...I left the bottom hem (it was a really nice hem!) but cut the bottom so it would have an unfinished look...the pieces at the bottom left and right are my trim I will use for sleeves and the piece at the bottom is the band I cut off an old shirt...I love the banded look and this shirt was past its prime so I decided to use the band and pitch the rest!!

It was time for the machine...enter my mother's mortification...okay, in my defense, I can barely operate my machine...I have NO idea how to rethread a bobbin...if that is what it is called...so, years ago, I bought a packet of threads - it used to have thread for the top and a matching bobbin. However, it has been dropped on the floor numerous times and thread are used at random...so, I had a black thread for the top...and no black for the bottom...because I am OCD about this, I couldn't bring myself to use the navy bobbin...uh, should have done that...I found a dark purple...but couldn't find the start...so...I settled on a bright pink...yeah, interesting choice.

I decided to start with the bottom...it seemed like the best place to warm up...have I mentioned I am straight line challenged?!?  Yeah, unfortunately, this is a real thing...so, at first, I figured I would sew my band between the cut hem...when I got in front of the machine, I realized the band was too heavy to do this...so I sewed it on the underside of the shirt with the seam between the bottom hem of the tshirt...this is where my need for a black bobbin came in, since I don't sew enough, I didn't think about the fact that my bright pink thread was about to end up on the front of my shirt...ugh...thankfully, the unfinished edge hides a lot of this...and, what you can see, I am claiming as intentional...

Next, I went to the neckline...now that I learned which way to sew on my shirt, I knew how to avoid having a bright pink neckline...unfortunately for me, I was not prepared for the major pain in the buttocks double fold bias tape would be...I got the smallest one I could...and, as soon as I started sewing, I realized this was a mistake. I had tried putting the edge of the tshirt in between the fold of the bias tape and I missed a whole section so I tried to rip out the seam...wasn't happening...I ended up having to cut my shirt even more...whoops...good thing I had wiggle room on the neckline!!  I finally was able to sew it all the way around...and, funny thing, the tape made the neckline flip...and I could now see all the pink thread...oh brother!! I tried the shirt on and realized, I should have been putting darts in...taking the neck of a tshirt is fine but plan to compensate for the band you just chopped off!! So, I started adding darts...with the bias tape already on...(sorry, mom)...I started in the back of the tshirt and, by the time I was in the front, I had it down...four darts in the back, three in the front...

After learning about the bias tape around the neck, I approached the sleeves differently...I decided to sew the bias tape down on the sleeves, not try to put the edge of the tshirt in between the fold of the bias tape...phew...SO much easier!! I left a little edge of the tshirt to give it an unfinished appearance. The trim I had bought for the sleeves had a shiny satin ribbon on the edge...originally, I was going to sew the sleeves on top to enjoy the ribbon...after looking at what was taking shape, I thought it was too prissy for this shirt and decided to sew it to the underside of the tshirt, along the bias tape - bonus of a double seam to hold the dang bias tape in place!! After sewing the sleeves on, I decided I wanted the edge to be finished, so I made a triangle with the trim and sewed it on the underside of the shirt...no more square edges for sleeves...

Front of refinished tshirt

I have to say, I love it!! It has several features I love in a tshirt and I will now be able to wear it often!! I'm glad I decided to go with black bias tape and sleeves...I can see myself wearing it with my white linen shorts or a maxi skirt...

So, mom, I'm sorry...teach me how the heck to re-thread a bobbin...and maybe throw in there what bias tape is SUPPOSED to be used for!! I can show you how to make darts on the fly - because I know from years of watching you, there is a right way and then there is my way!!! I have also realized that the next time you want to buy me a gift, a little box of straight pins would be a lovely tool to have!! Scarily enough, those years of watching you also helped me be successful at this project, so, thank you!!!

Refashioning this shirt included the cost of my SCAR shirt, about $2 for the double bias tape, and $6 for the trim...I had the thread and the band already...

Back of refinished shirt

Completing this project has motivated me to try other refashioning ideas...however, next up on my list is taking a youth XS SCAR shirt and refashioning it for my French bulldog...uh, what?!? I haven't figured this out quite yet...and I think he will be a little less patient than I am!

P.S. If you are in the DC area, the SCAR project DC Kickoff Party is on June 20th. David Jay and several models will be there!! Even if you aren't in the area, please consider buying a ticket and donating it to someone fighting breast cancer!! Tickets can be bought here. If you are donating a ticket, please email here and tell them you just bought a ticket for a survivor.

The secret to success...

I am finding there are moments of torment on the path to change...in our American culture, we are truly conditioned to want something NOW...and this, sadly, includes change...quite specifically, weight loss...I have done my fair share of haunting the internet, the stores, the doctor....SOMEone, please give me the magic bullet to turn this around!!  If I don't see results in the first few days, it MUST be because this isn't the path to success...admit it, you've done the same... That is why the beauty/weight loss industry is a BILLION dollar industry...they know how we are...they know we will convince ourselves to pay ANY amount if it means I will be a skinny supermodel in the end...and if we aren't?? Well, we just convince ourselves to move on and dump money into the NEXT magic bullet...and we do this to ourselves over and over...and over...and over...and over...

I had a lot of people feeding this despair...doctors...research...internet...the vast majority said there was no hope for someone with PCOS to lose weight. When I was first diagnosed, I was given Metformin as a way to deal with the insulin resistance...some of my friends saw weight loss with this...not me...I wondered why the hell I couldn't be the lucky one to get sick from it and lose 20 pounds...I am thankful it was probably the reason I was able to become pregnant...so, yeah, I am beyond thankful...but I have to be honest, I wish I would have lost weight as well...

I was counting out the weeks since the "new plan" from my doctor...at week 8, I need to have blood drawn to check my thyroid and my cholesterol...I am to report on my weight loss...I was promised there would be success...I decided to weigh myself once per week...and have done a fairly decent job - there have been periods of refusing to get on the scale, periods of getting on daily...but, overall, weekly. I am just about at the 8 week mark...

Here is my problem...how do I define success?? For my doctor, weight loss equals success...and, at this point, I guess I agree...but we never said how much weight.  For me, my current frustration is I expected to lose faster than I have...I want to be farther down the road than I actually am...I'm falling into the old habit of wanting change NOW...

But...I take a look at where I am, compared to where I was...I HAVE lost weight...umm, that should be monumental enough...

I am officially lifting weights...I have been saying the ENTIRE YEAR I was going to get back to weights...and I just meant my little hand weights!! I am lifting BIG weights at the gym!!  I can't say I'm loving it - I HATE lifting weights when there are other people in the room...unfortunately, I haven't found the magic window when I can miss seeing anyone else in the weight room...but...I'm sucking it up and doing it!

I lost about three weeks in the running program due to being sick...however, I have stuck with it and am back to moving through the 10K program...and I FEEL great!! My shins feel great...I am not walking like a granny for the next few days...I am almost back to the point I was before my injury ever occurred...and, quite honestly, I didn't believe I would EVER be there again!!

My diet...there have been moments of breaking down...but I've learned over the past year to set those moments aside and get back on track...and, thankfully, I've been doing just that...ironically, letting go of the carbs has also cut off the insane food urges. I've read a bit about night-eating syndrome and wonder if I was caught in a bad cycle...it was this weird urge to gorge in the middle of the night and, sometimes, not even remembering I had eaten...it felt almost trance like...but, I have noticed since I have adopted the new diet, my cravings are more healthy (celery and peanut butter, of all things!!) and I am more apt to stand strong on the days I want to overload on carbs...and, if I do decide to have more carbs, 9 out of 10 times they are healthy...greek yogurt, anyone??

There are bumps in the road...like when I step on the scale and it has only moved 1 pound, not 4...when I was sick, I lost quite a bit of weight, which was weird because I didn't really think I changed my eating all that much and I wasn't exercising...alas, I got better and found them again...ugh...so, I am making new guidelines...I'm just not weighing myself right now...I'm back to the food journal...and, in a couple weeks, when I have to report to my doctor, I'll weigh myself for him...

At the end of the day, the biggest battles I am fighting are mental...in the gym...in the grocery store...at the restaurant...when someone tells me I should try their weight loss gimmick...when I can't figure out what size clothes to buy...

But at the end of the day, the secret to my success is...ME...the secret to your success is...YOU...it helps if I have someone supporting me...it isn't necessary though...it really helps if I have someone I can lean on when I'm not feeling strong enough...but it isn't necessary...at the end of the day, it is up to me to make the right choice every single step of the way...no one else controls if I go to the gym today or not (thankfully, today is my rest day!!)...just like no one else controls what I put into my mouth...if I remember to take my multivitamins...if I drink enough water...no one else but ME...

That statement is incredibly powerful and overwhelming all at the same time...I am learning that I need to cut myself slack...but not too much...I am learning that I need to praise and reward myself for my accomplishments...but not back off from pushing forward...I am realizing this has got to be a lifestyle change...not a fad...not a moment in time...and I can't expect to get to the end without months of hard work...I'm in this for the long-haul...and, thankfully, I started this journey slowly over the past several months...I'm already on my way...so, let today be YOUR start...let today be the day you empower yourself...so, in a few weeks, you can look back...proud of the progress you have made...determined to keep moving forward...and relieved you made this choice when you did...everyone has to have the moment that changed it all...let today be that moment for you...I can honestly say, you will never regret that moment...only the thousands of moments you could have chosen before...

The secret to success is...that there is no secret...it is you...and your goal...it is me...and my goal...how badly do I want it? what am I willing to do to accomplish it? The answers to those questions propel me into the 98 and 3/4% guarantee...I hope it propels you as well...

Yummy, yummy in my tummy!!!

I LOVE this time of year - the time of year where fresh fruit and veggies fill our plates...yummy!!

For the past couple years, I have been wanting to have more FRESH vegetables...I forget about our local farmer's market...there is a HUGE one about 15-20 minutes away that I never make it to because of the kids' sports schedules. So, I have been looking into crop shares...LOVE the idea...not sure I want to invest as much as they want...NOT questioning the worth, I am just a frugal person...and when it gets to a certain pricepoint, I think, I can do this, why don't I just do it and save us the money?? I also love the idea of the kids and I growing food for our meals...seems like a great bonding/learning tool.

However, one thing has repeatedly stopped me from doing it and going back to the crop share plan...we get our lawn treated. It is what it is, we have extenuating circumstances and, therefore, choose to treat our lawn. So, I cannot make peace with having a vegetable garden in the ground next to the areas being treated. I have people suggest I tell the company not to treat the garden...obviously...but those chemicals are going into the ground...it will travel and, eventually, end up in the soil of the garden. We have a porch on the front of the house so I considered for half-a-second putting it there...but there is not a lot of sun since it is covered. So, I was back at square one...

Enter Pinterest...if you haven't been there, please...go...now...I'm one of those nerds that has had three-ring-binders with page protectors and ripped out magazine pages for as long as I can remember...ideas...things that inspire me...and Pinterest has made it possible to do this digitally...I could (ahem, and do) spend hours there!! Well, of course, there are lots of pins relating to vegetable gardens...oh look, a cute idea to use those adorable Chookas Ms P has grown out of! I've been pinning about gardens for quite some time...

Well, I finally took the plunge...with the new diet, I eat protein and vegetables with fruit randomly thrown in there. I ran into several ideas on Pinterest that got me thinking and I finally solved our issue!!

So, here is what I did:

1. Got hubby's buy-in...especially since I was going to ask for muscle labor!!
2. Found the container: For our garden, I have two containers. The first we chose was a deck box  (I'll talk about the 2nd one below). 
3. Determined where I wanted to put the garden: I chose the side of our shed - we will be able to enjoy seeing it from the windows in our den but it still will receive sun all day long.
4. Supply shopping!! My list was as follows:
• cinder blocks 
• board
• garden fabric
• gardening soil
• fertilizer
• plants/seeds
• tomato cage
5. The depth of our container was too deep- we bought cinder blocks and a board to "use up" some of the space. We laid the cinder blocks in the bottom and cut the board to lay on top of the blocks.  This cut the depth in half!
6. I then laid garden fabric so it would be easier to dissemble if necessary. 
7. We filled the remaining space with gardening soil, peat (I had a bag from last year's gardening), and organic fertilizer (poo dirt as Ms P called it!!)
8. We then put in our tomato cage, followed by our plants. 

For this garden, we planted two tomato plants, LOTS of different lettuce, two zucchini plants, and a red pepper (sweet, not spicy) plant. I do not think we have enough space for all of this so it will be a learning experience - I didn't pre-plan how many plants to buy so, after seeing what happens this year, I should be able to get a better idea of what works and what I need to change for next year!

Where are the other vegetables?? Well, we didn't find actual plants so we headed over to the seed section to buy seeds for the other vegetables we want to grow. As we planted our established plants, I realized, I have NO room for these seeds to grow...thankfully, I had Plan B already available...I didn't plan on using Plan B until I was filling up Plan A!

Enter my personal favorite...

Isn't it cute?!? Ms. P got a new loft bed this winter and the bed was shipped on a pallet...so, we have had a pallet hanging out behind the garage because I just KNEW it was waiting to be upcycled!!

Here is what I did:

1. I cut garden fabric a bit bigger than the openings in between the pallet boards.
2. I started from what I was going to consider the back, I stapled the fabric on the board and then draped the fabric over the board.
3. I turned the pallet forward and draped the fabric over the front board and stapled again. I made sure to leave enough fabric to create a pouch between the boards.
4. I stapled the fabric to the sides of the opening to create a closure.
5. I filled in the pouches with soil.

So, for my pockets, the back of the pocket is on the higher board on the backside of the pallet, the front of the pocket is on the lower board on the frontside of the pallet.  I staggered my pouches since I only had four seed packets I needed to plant. There is still a LOT of space if I choose to add more! 

We leaned the pallet garden on the backside of the shed. The height was perfect, sadly, we can't see it from the den.  We haven't planted the seeds yet...mommy was too tired!! 

So, to finish up our garden, we will go back and plant the seeds. I want to find a cute way to mark our plants so we know what is what (especially the lettuce). I also would like to give the pallet a more finished look but haven't decided how to do this yet.

Ms. P is VERY excited!! She was right there with us as we put it together and helped me plant everything. She is also "in charge" of reminding me we need to water every night. So, because I knew she would want to do it, I asked hubby to save a milk jug and turn it into a water jug for her to use.  It is a bit heavy for her to lug around once it is filled and just one isn't enough. So, we may enlist an additional jug and make B responsible to fill and transport!

My favorite part of this project was hearing Ms. P say she never knew you could create a garden out of a pallet and how cool it was to do this! Upcycling is something I personally love to do and don't do enough of...I'm excited to do more of this with my kids as it is an important practice to cut back on waste we create!!

So, keeping everything crossed as we try to stay up on watering and tending to our garden...we still need to plant our seeds...but we are all excited to see the vegetables grow and be able to bring our labor to our dinner table!! Yummy, yummy in our tummies!!!

TGIF

Holy crap...it's always good to start off your post with exactly how you feel!!! a) I'm not feeling the every week same theme...too structured for me...so, I'll just TGIF whenever I want...it's my blog, I can make it happen...HOWEVER...holy crap am I TGIF!!! I have been pretty quiet...because I have been sick...then hubby got sick...then Ms. P was sick...and none of us were getting better!! Lest you think we lost someone, B was suspiciously healthy through all of this...hmmm...I am happy to say, I am feeling 90% better, Ms. P is back at school today...hubby seems like he is now getting a cold...

Here is my TGIF for the week (Thankful I did, Goal, In my way, Fear)...

Thankful I: got sick...went to the doctor...had a couple days to sleep...as an insomniac, I feel incredibly well rested...and I had some heart to heart conversations with myself about the importance of maintaining my health and making sure to take care of me!! As a mom, wife, professional, I always end up at the bottom of the list... being down for almost two weeks, I realize...need to do better!!
Goal: I was ordered no running for a week...the end of that week is today...my goal is to find some time to either go for a long walk or short run...time to get back at it...
In my way: whenever I get out of the groove, I have a hard time getting back into a groove...I end up an every other day runner because if I try to let myself rest two days, I lose focus...um...I need to grow up and learn how to not be so easily distracted...
Fear: well, I'm missing the 5k...it's tomorrow...ugh...I have told my friend to count me in for the next one...hoping within the next month...my fear is that I lost a lot of ground...though I have a friend encouraging me that I should be fairly close to where I left off...here's hoping!

As always, I'd love to hear from you!! I love to be encouraged and inspired by what my friends are accomplishing!! 

P.S. I haven't weighed in lately...I also haven't journaled my food lately...I'm going to add those to the list to get back on! 


P.P.S. Also on my to do list: VEGETABLE GARDEN!!! I'm very excited, being sick delayed me momentarily. I will be sure to take pics and post - I am doing a vertical garden...fresh veggies and herbs - yum!


P.P.P.S. I love this - it is a shout-out to a new group of friends inspiring, encouraging, and loving each other - love ya, girls!!

This isn't hollywood...

I grew up in a time where we watched romantic comedy movies like there was no other genre...well, except Star Wars...and Indiana Jones...but even then, there was a girl...who loved a guy...and they always lived happily ever after...Disney...black and whites...all of them...happily ever after...I was raised in a conservative...EXTREMELY conservative atmosphere...the goal was to find "the one"...find the one that completes you...find the one who is your soul mate...quick, get married...have kids...start MY happily ever after...

I was in high school when we met...I resisted for several weeks because I was on and off with someone else...an unhealthy relationship I knew I needed to be off with...I wanted to be alone...I wanted to just breathe...but he was so different...so NOT the other relationship...someone who loved me for me...who wanted to spend time with me...he made me laugh...and I stopped resisting...shortly after, we were spending every moment we could together...even when I knew I had to leave town to give myself space between the end of high school and the life I was trying to move on with...shortly...very shortly....after graduation, I came home...we were married...

I wasn't as interested in wedding planning as most girls...I was in Chicago...the wedding was in Michigan...I was pretty lax on planning...my mom was in Michigan, she did most of the planning...I didn't mind...I was just excited about walking down the aisle...saying I do...it truly was one of the happiest days of my life...my best friend and I...meeting at the alter...pledging the rest of our lives...I felt like I was home...I finally belonged somewhere...someone wanted to be mine...I was filled with love...

And then...life...holy crap...life...real life...baby...who was colicky...a job with shifts...a job with odd days off...a toddler who was sick for over a year before someone figured it out...a miscarriage...infertility...the desperation of wanting another baby...job changes...baby...relief...a mutated gene...a mastectomy...building a house...losing a job...being placed in another job...another sick toddler...another year of chasing down wellness...being landlords... breast reconstruction...promotions...third shift...a hysterectomy...a paralyzed dog...putting our dog to sleep...a new puppy...

Our lives do not seem long enough to hold the struggles...heartache...joy...it is so much in such a short amount of time...

As I write it all down...it no longer makes me wonder...I can see how some of these struggles brought us together in a very real way...there were struggles that tore us further apart...

I think the biggest of these struggles were both...having a gene mutation when you are already terrified of cancer is isolating...when there is no one around who understands...and people you reach out to react out of fear and their own thoughts on how you should live your life...it becomes isolating...having a mastectomy in a time where no information was available about young girls having this done...no frame of reference to know what was ahead after the surgery...to consider your own mortality...a partner who desperately wants to support...and desperately needed support...we did our best...I saw a side of my partner as caretaker I had never seen...and was eternally grateful...he stood beside me in support of my decisions...he stood beside me ready to stand up for me against people who wanted to judge...it became overwhelming to try to verbalize what I was feeling...and so...I just didn't....I was unable to process...

Round two...hysterectomy...I knew I would survive...I was...and am...terrified...of what it means long term...again...alone...where is my 30ish friend to help me navigate...how do I distinguish what is real...what is the hormone crash talking...this time was different...my partner wanted to be a caretaker...I didn't need one...I bounced back quickly...the battles I faced were not physical in nature this time...I was the only one who could face what I deal with...it was...it is...up to me...to be an advocate for fighting the possibilities...for choosing a path of health...it rests on my shoulders...and my partner supports me the best he can...through an ever changing diet plan...through a rigorous schedule of physical activity...through sinking money into the best options I have...I see the support...

It is strange...and as I sit back and reflect, I am overcome with a mix of sadness...gratefulness...grief...joy...it is an odd mix of holy crap we have been through the wringer...and holy crap look at our blessings...there is a feeling of being a survivor, being stronger...there is a feeling of what was the purpose...how can we find or create purpose in all of this...there is a feeling of being too exhausted...just wanting to experience happiness...just happiness...

I'm not exactly sure what the road ahead holds...my life feels like I went head first into trial after trial...some I handled well...some I wish I had handled better...no regret...it is what it is...I became who I am...there was no one else who was better suited to be by my side through all of this...we tried to learn together...we both came out very different people...not better, not worse...just different...

And so, I want to show my children a different path...I want them to enter life...real life...already a whole person...a strong person...I don't want them hunting down "the one"...I don't want them to find someone to complete themselves...they are complete by themselves...I want them to enter the world looking for someone to share life with...if that is what they desire...someone to experience life with...someone to help hold them up when it is bad...someone to celebrate when it is good...someone who will be ready and willing to encourage them to chase after what makes them a better person...what fills their hearts desire...

In many ways, you have been this person for me...only you can determine if I have been this person for you...I have tried my best...and I am truly sorry so many of our trials were wrapped up with me...there is part of me that thinks we both got lost somewhere in the middle of all my PCOS...infertility...gene mutation...I am sorry I wasn't a whole person when I met you...I wanted you to fill the void...I needed you to be so many things...it was unfair...it was unrealistic...and I realize now...I needed to get in touch with me...I need to figure out me...and I am sorry for the growing pains that have resulted...

I just wanted you to know...I just wanted to tell you...there is no regret...I am grateful...I am thankful...this has been our life...I look back on our life with love...this isn't hollywood...there will be no fairytale ending...but it is real...and it is ours...

When all that's left...

I wish I could pull open my brain, my soul and let you take a look inside...I wish I could bottle it up and share it with you...because it is fairly amazing, if I must say so myself...

Never in a million years would I have thought I would feel such dramatic progress in my LIFElong struggles in 2 weeks...quite honestly, I was at the point of resigning myself to having to carry them like weights on my back forever...I was tired of fighting...tired of anguishing...I...was...tired...

Being honest with myself was an important step...but there have been a plethora of little steps that have been slowly building...and having ONE person tell me he thinks I can do this...priceless. It renewed my HOPE...my hope was almost depleted...but one 30 minute conversation was able to help restore my hope and resolve...the first week had me extremely wary and a bit anxious. I knew I was at the end of resolve and I knew if I failed I wouldn't be able to muster up much more...I had to "cheat" and step on the scale...we are doing a healthy challenge and I needed an update on my weight...it is really working...and it feels really great...

I've been noticing some other important changes too...I've talked about my shopping habit before and my need to kick it...not an issue for me right now...my food cravings have turned from sugary treats to protein and vegetables...I had a piece of birthday cake for hubby's birthday and know I won't be eating anymore (okay, it majorly helps that he loves carrot cake and not chocolate!) but, a month ago, it would have been tug of war with my will and my brain...instead of finding every excuse not to go to the gym, I am trying to find any window of opportunity to get there...

For me, this change started a couple months ago...I had to take a huge step which was not easy...letting go...letting go of expectations...letting go of people in my life that weigh me down...letting go of the need to be perfect or at least not public failure...and, instead, picking up me. Doing me...being responsible for me...focusing on me...bringing happiness to me...I had a few comments alluding to it sounding as if I was being a selfish brat...but...I knew I needed a change...I knew the same path was no longer working for me...I was tired of nothing working and me being the one miserable...I took a chance...what did I have to lose?  It didn't seem like anything worth much would be lost if I failed...so I chose the path I thought might lead me somewhere I have been trying to get to for a very long time...

Don't get me wrong...I still have bad days...but I am able to set those bad days aside and not internalize every negative comment or interaction...this is huge for me...I am truly learning when to take someone's negativity to heart, as in consider what they are saying is possibly true and I need to change something, and when to brush it off, recognizing it as they are frustrated/upset about something that isn't about me. Before, everything was affecting me and I would be left feeling as though I sucked the big one...I have bad days at the gym (ahem, two out of four days last week) but I am learning to be upset, if I must, but not let it stop me from going the next time...

Hope is an incredibly powerful force...it has kept me going for several years without any solid proof I should...my reason for writing this post is not to brag...I am just at the beginning of my journey...I have a long way to go...but...for the first time in a very long time, I am beginning to believe I can do this...I am beginning to enjoy my life...not constantly thinking about all the things that have been weighing me down is priceless, it has given me mental freedom and, as hokey as it may sound, I am finding much more energy since it isn't being sucked up by the mental anguish...

My reason for writing this post is I want YOU to know, YOU can do this...I am looking forward to seeing my gyn next time...she will be shocked because she has told me it wasn't possible...don't listen to the people around you telling you no...even if the person telling you no is yourself...I've had days of looking at my iPhone telling me what my challenge on the treadmill is about to be...and thinking, there is no way...I'm learning to set aside that voice and just try...give it my true best effort...and, more often than not, I succeed...you have the power to succeed as well...and I know, if you are struggling with this, you are reading this and saying, yeah, right...I was in your shoes not too long ago...and the worst that can happen is you go ahead and try and you fail...that's the worst...not too bad when you consider the option if you try and you succeed...you begin to unleash the power YOU have...

I think this is something many of us lose sight of...the power within...and I think there are lots of different reasons we lose sight...but I think it is incredibly important we get back to it. I have heard it before, I don't think I've ever really believed it...my gp said it to me a couple weeks ago and I am starting to believe it as I am seeing and feeling my own transformation...the mind and body are incredibly strong...they have the power to heal themselves if we provide the right tools...if hope is the tool you need, I hope you find it here...

Shaken Not Stirred...

As promised, I have some fun planned for today!! This little package arrived about a week ago...I knew it was coming but it still made my day...a little bit of love being sent from one of the coolest chicks I know...

Let me start by introducing her...I "met" her online...talked with her a few times over the course of spring and summer...and FINALLY got to meet her in person last fall. Her name is Joules Evans and, quite honestly, to know her is to love her. Joules was one of the integral members of a team that brought the SCAR project out of NYC and into the midwest...let me say this again, the MIDWEST!! Honestly, for those of us who live in the midwest, did anyone actually think the first stop out of NYC would be in the midwest?!?? I know I didn't!! She has a fire that never seems to tire and a contagious passion for life...I find her to be quite inspiring...

A couple weeks ago, I received a call from Joules...she asked if I would be interested in doing a give away on my blog...uh, YEAH!!! She offered to send me a book...but not just ANY book...HER book!! Oh, yeah, did I forget to mention? Joules is also an author...and, if you read my blog, you know it is something I would love to do but have major writer's block when it comes to considering what I would write about...not Joules, she grabbed it by the horns and did it...I am SO excited to give all of my readers a chance to WIN a copy of Joules' first book!!

Joules' book is titled "Shaken Not Stirred...A Chemo Cocktail (A comedy about my tragedy)"...you can find it on Amazon, it is also available for Kindle. If you're like me, after reading it, you will want to keep your copy (and hope you remember to bring it when you stalk her to ask her to sign it!!) so you'll need to pop over to Amazon to buy copies for everyone on your Christmas/birthday lists!!


"Shaken Not Stirred" is an autobiography...Joules gives us an introduction into her childhood and offers a bit of foreshadowing by letting us know she has super-secret spy abilities.  These capabilities come in handy when fighting the worst of all enemies: cancer.  Joules found a lump in her breast at 42 and chronicles her journey through mastectomy, chemo, and her ability to find laughter in the midst of one of the hardest phases of her life. Joules decides early in her cancer journey to count her days by counting her blessings - she talks about her journey in a VERY real way but still finds every opportunity to laugh...it is refreshing to read a book and know the author is not sugar-coating or dramatizing, just being real.  There are moments of crying, moments of laughing but, in the end, it is a book about how one woman lives life to its fullest, even in the midst of fighting cancer. 


Reading the book felt as if I was on a coffee date with Joules as she shares the good, the bad, and the kinda ugly (an unfortunate accident while in Europe...ouch!) and appreciates her blessings through it all...as I finished the book, I felt refreshed and ready to do the same in my own life...acknowledge the trials but look for the silver lining...even if that means, in Joules' case, being thankful just to share a Starbucks with a chemo buddy...this book is not just for someone dealing with cancer (though anyone who has faced, fought, or loved someone who has cancer will appreciate this book), this book appeals to anyone who has ever faced an impossible situation and wondered, what do I do now? 


So, dear readers, now it is YOUR turn!! Joules has graciously given me TWO books and they come with the FABULOUS soundtrack to her book!! It includes songs written and recorded by her beautiful children...The Kicked-In Fence...amazing! I want to hear from you...I want to hear from your friends!! 


So, tell me...who has inspired you...in her book, Joules talks about the people who surrounded her and supported her during her cancer journey...I told you how inspiring I find Joules...you tell me, who inspires you?? What about them inspires you? I will use a number generator to randomly choose ONE entry as a winner (I'll assign numbers based on order of comments)...


The second copy will be awarded to the person who "referred" the most readers...this means SHARE THIS POST!! I do not care which vehicle of social media you use - share the link via email, twitter, facebook, etc and tell your friends to stop by and tell me you referred them...I will give you a whole week...the person with the most referrals will win the second copy of the book...

As Joules says, ciao!